Anger

It might seem altogether odd that it could take me years to figure out that I'm angry about my dissertation, but it has. I just realized today that my problem with it is that I'm totally pissed off about it. Initially, I proposed an International Relations dissertation. I'm not overly fond of Comparative Politics. However, my first proposal defense found two of my committee members leaving the university and, so, I was told to get a couple of comparativists instead and do a comparative dissertation. I did exactly that and, with much difficulty, found a topic that could be done and was somewhat interesting--even if it did jettison my interest in security studies and I.R. I've never been all that interested in the topic. I've never been all that excited about it. Worse still is that it sets me up for a research agenda that I'm not all that interested in. In other words, I went to school all these years to do something that I don't really want to do.

I'm really and truly angry at myself. I should have fought harder to keep my own interests so that I could write a dissertation that reflected those interests and set up a research agenda that I wanted to research. Instead, I listened to all sorts of other people and ended up with something I have very little interest in doing. I was pushed, yes, but I never pushed back. I've had tremendous difficulty writing this dissertation. I have a block about it and I've only now realized that it's because I'm angry that I ended up doing something I'm not that interested in doing. It's all really my own fault. I know that now but what to do?

Getting in touch with my own anger seems to have helped. At the moment I feel like a dam has burst and it's about time. If I don't care much for the topic, why should I worry so much about doing it well? Why should I worry so much about a committee that pressured me into doing something that doesn't interest me? It's all about people-pleasing on my part and that's just stupid. I should just do the best I can and just finish the damn thing. Besides I have finally realized how to use the topic and keep my interest in transnational networks and security studies. Social capital is about networks. The knowledge economy is global. Both have certain implications for security. I have finally figured out how to get around getting stuck with a topic in a field I don't much care for with alot of emphasis on a subtopic that I really hate writing about. All I have to do is get the damn thing done and I can move on to something that interests me and that I enjoy. I'm much less afraid to move on now........

The moral of the story is that I need to be true to myself, my interests, wants, needs, and desires. I got stuck in this position by being a people-pleaser with no will or backbone of her own. I should have pushed back but I never did. I kept changing things to make other people happy. I was wrong and I will not live that way anymore--it tends to keep you stuck in one place and afraid to move.